What are some things to take note of when dating a Japanese man? (Imported from Quora–original question and answer can be found here)

Dating someone from a different nationality can always be a challenge: besides cultural and language barriers, the very perception of what it means to be in a “love relationship” can be quite different depending on the culture.

I will try to help those looking for an answer to this question in 2 ways: 1. I will share some of the pros & cons of dating a Japanese male; 2. I will share some of the ways you can use your female “power to influence” in order to help him change some of the characteristics you feel might need some improvement on his part to make the relationship work better for the both of you.

A very important observation before I go any further. Do take the advice here with a nice scoop of salt: people are fickle & different—there is no “black or white” scenario when it comes to dealing with them. Yes, there are many similarities between us, members of the male race—regardless of our nationality—but it is important to keep in mind that each person is unique in their own way.

Also, I am not promoting trying to change people in order to make them “ideal” to you. I believe you should love people face value—unconditionally: love them with all their perfections and imperfections…with all their complexities and uniqueness. Trying to change someone to fit your own sort of cultural habit, creed, social status and philosophical assumptions will only lead to people being hurt. With that said, surface-level habits that can lead to misunderstandings can be discussed and, with careful evaluation from both parties in the relationship, changed for the benefit of the same. With that in mind, let’s get started.

1. Pros & Cons of dating a Japanese guy:

Starting with the pros, Japanese guys are usually very friendly and great to hang out with. They tend to be very receptive to ideas and suggestions made by their partners (especially in the beginning of the relationship) and won’t mind having the female counterpart of the relationship take the lead in where to go and what to eat on their dates.

Contrary to popular belief, Japanese guys can be romantic: Especially the ones that are interested in dating outside of their ethnicity. In Osaka, I have seen many J-boy, G(gaijin)-girl couples kissing, holding hands and being lavu-lavu in public.

J-guys will be more forthcoming in paying for dates and doing things that traditionally western guys were famous for doing—you know, stuff occidental men used to do before the movement for the equality between the sexes made certain things taboo in western relationships (& this can be a pro if the girl in question is after a more “traditional” male approach to relationships).

J-guys can get quite freaky as well if you are into trying a variety of different things when it comes to “just the 2 of you” alone time—or so I hear from Japanese female friends and from the way my Japanese male friends brag about their “night-life.” I can assume that most won’t disappoint you in those terms (I recommend caution when approaching lovemaking simply because it is so intimate and should be reserved for the one you really mean to share it with—just pointing this out so that you know that, contrary to popular belief, most likely will not be disappointed with a J-guy in bed).

Finally, Japanese men will tend to be more prolific in their texting and online communication simply because culturally it is easier for Asians to express their feelings over text-message.

The cons I have to present here are mostly related to the pros actually—by benefiting from certain positives J-guys have, you are bound to take in the negatives that come along with them pros. For instance, because J-guys are so nice to their girlfriends, you will have a harder time getting him to take the lead in choosing dating spots and places to go to. It will be also hard to find out what he really wants from the relationship: is he into you because he wants just to have fun with a foreigner, or because he is looking for someone to marry outside of his ethnicity? Is he with you because he can show off to his friends and boast of his English-speaking skills (this can be a point of concern especially for the ladies who do not speak Japanese fluently and are looking for a Japanese guy)?

Moreover, it is just hard to know what a Japanese guy thinks because they are not very prompt in sharing their feelings with anyone. The way J-girls do it is by 3^rd party consultation. They get to befriend the guy’s best friend and learn about their boyfriend by getting intel from the best friend in question. They usually ask the same best friend to tell their boyfriends what they want the guy to do for them—as well as how they hope the relationship to unravel. This is especially true when they want to marry their boyfriends but, they still think their boyfriends need to change their attitude toward a thing or two before taking the plunge.

The kind of communication presented above can be extremely bothersome to a western girl and it takes time adapting to it. J-girls will usually, with proper “communication coaching,” try to adapt to a western guy’s communication patterns if love is at stake (and that can take a nice long year of “training” to fix—I have been married for 2 years now and I still catch my wife hiding how she truly feels about me not helping with the dishes and chores at home). Guys have to deal with pride and, when in the lows of the relationship, communication mishaps can become trigger points that could easily lead to fighting and the eventual break-up of the relationship if not dealt with extreme care.

Japanese guys who are working will tend to prioritize their profession over love relationships. Recent changes to that culture seem to be currently in the works but the number of J-guys who prioritize their partners over work is still mediocre, to say the least. If you are considering marrying a Japanese man, this factor should be given proper thought. It is a very serious issue that will influence all aspects of your relationship in the long run.

Last but not least, remember what I just mentioned above about J-guys and intimacy? Well, there is ONE popular myth that turns out to be true in many cases amongst Japanese men. Being a faithful onsen goer for more than 10 years has helped me realize that. I don’t want to get into a lot of details here on this post but, let’s just say that J-guys make it up for their lack of proportions in certain areas with effort and plenty of other techniques that kind of makes this whole paragraph here irrelevant—just writing it to inform the G-girl audience here of the spec differences they might find. That way there are no negative surprises.

2. What G-girls can do to maximize their J-guys dating potential.

The first obvious thing would be learning the language: that takes away the pressure from the Japanese guy’s shoulders when it comes to communication. If you are living in Japan, learning the language is a must regardless of your desire of dating a Japanese guy. Once you have the language all worked out, it will be much easier to interact with a variety of Japanese men which will allow you to make the best choice when selecting mates.

If you don’t learn the language, you will most likely run into many of the risks I already mentioned here and finally, it might be difficult to secure a high-quality J-guy of your liking. You might have to settle for the Japanese guy that has spent many years overseas—which I think is still all right—but you will miss on some of the perks you get out of dating a genuine Japanese man.

If you know the language, then the process of conducting proper culture-exchange with your J-man becomes much easier to accomplish. You have to learn to ask, suggest, discuss and mention things by “inferring” them, rather then bluntly talking about them. This does go along the lines of “indirect Asian communication” rules, but not literally. I am not suggesting that you become fully Japanese and master the way of “reading the air” that Japanese people use to communicate with one another. I am suggesting that you learn to acquire a sort of finesse in your way to communicate so that you don’t sound like a “nagging” G-girl to the years of your Japanese man. When trying to suggest an idea or a point of change, start by letting your man know in how many ways he is already awesome. Share the area in which you think he needs some improvement and specifically point out something he could do to acquire such change. Finally, point out another thing you think he is already great at. With this, positive, negative, positive feedback “sandwich” style of making suggestions, you will assist your boyfriend in understanding how important he is to you while letting him know what things upset you.

If you are dating seeking marriage, it is ultra-important that you start talking about the “work-life” balance early on when you both start discussing the idea of marriage. Probe him and see if he is going to be the kind of guy that will place work or you and your future family together first.

Finally, don’t be too uptight about/hung-up in his culture. In many ways, Japanese guys are very similar to any other guy out there, so it is just better to try to treat them normally, relax around them and, most importantly, be yourself when you are with them. If this guy has demonstrated some interest in being with you, be confident that you already have what it takes to grab a hold of his heart.

Have fun and good luck in your relationship with a Japanese national!

Do Japanese people not like getting married to foreigners? (original answer can be found here)

It’s been at least 115 years since Madame Butterfly was first rolled-out to music fans in Europe—a musical in which a Japanese woman marries an American sailor. It’s also been about 73 years since the end of WW2—which was a cease-fire marked by the number of international marriages taking place between Japanese nationals and Americans. And let’s not forget the 49 years since Yoko Ono decided to marry John Lennon! Add to that the countless numbers of international marriages we have around us nowadays between foreigners and Japanese people (as expressed by other people answering the question), and it should be almost self-evident that many Japanese people have no issues when it comes to choosing foreigners as their life partners.

Nevertheless, even though the number of Japanese international marriages has increased over the years, these marriages still make a tiny percentage of the total number of marriages in Japan. Why is that?

I agree with most of the information presented here by other people trying to answer the question—Japan, being an island nation, has less access to foreign nationals as, let’s say, a country like France would have. The lack of options should be enough reason for us to understand why the limited number of international weddings here in the land of the Rising Sun. But I would like to take another perspective in my answer and hopefully, this will further add to the discussion.

Why do some Japanese people want to marry foreigners?

This answer should be divided into 2 different categories: 1. Why women want to marry foreigners; 2. Why men want to marry foreigners. Since we see most of the earlier case rather than the latter—let me start by tackling number 1.

Most Japanese women that do want to marry foreigners do it for a myriad of reasons but, most prominently, they do it for the expected novelty and romance they hope to get out of the relationship. During my wedding ceremony here in Japan, my wife’s female guests kept telling her how envious they were of her because I seemed to be so romantic and caring…and that’s something they could not get from their Japanese husbands. Many women in Japan—and especially those who have had workaholic fathers and cold-hearted boyfriends—have been disillusioned with their male counterparts. Pop-culture has also played a huge role in influencing the minds of these women and they, sometimes falsely, believe that every foreign guy is a “lady’s first” type of gentleman, waiting to sweep them off their feet the moment they go on their first date—and for every other encounter they have, “till death do them apart”—kind of ordeal. Thanks to Hollywood and Korean dramas, most men not born in Japan have gotten the “prince charming” image going for them. This definitely facilitates the popularity international marriages currently enjoy in Japan.

There is also the factor that many Japanese marriages are in turmoil due to countless factors: from sexlessness to financial hardships, unfaithfulness and lack of time, Japanese marriages—like marriages in much of the developed world—are not in the best of shapes. Some Japanese women make the assumption that it is Japanese men’s fault the reason for so many marital issues in their society, which leads them to bet their chips on international marriages. As insinuated in my answer, the issues above are not only particular to Japan and they outline a far greater societal problem developed nations are facing (politics and economics are all heavily involved in them). Interestingly enough, it is also lack of information that misleads some of the Japanese women into making such a life-changing decision like marrying outside their ethnicity.

Lastly, there is also the status that goes along marrying a foreigner. The “exotic” look some foreigner present in Japan can, at times, be considered a trophy and these women want the ability to boast about the fact that they have the communication skills necessary to keep a foreigner with them.

As for the men interested in marrying foreign women, the thought process around the same is much simpler than that of women: if the girl can communicate (speak Japanese/understand her husband’s broken English), is willing to support the family the way a Japanese woman would and looks phenomenal, Japanese men are willing to give international marriage a thought. The reason why most Japanese men will avoid international marriage like a vampire would avoid the cross lies behind the assumption that foreign women aren’t as lenient as Japanese women and they will never be able to understand/put up with the nomikai and zangyo cultures of Japan. If the women demonstrate the ability to overcome such barriers, Japanese men will gladly consider them for marriage.

Why do some Japanese people do not want to marry foreigners?

For the men, it goes as I explained above. The assumption is that foreign women are more dominating, less forgiving and less lenient than Japanese women are and that writes them off for potential wedding partners—not for some of the reasons we would assume—but for the simple factor that it is hard for a marriage to survive in Japan when a man does not have the freedom to be part of all of the company events. Some men are literally bullied into participating at drinking parties with co-workers. It is hard for foreigners, in general, to understand and adapt to this cultural norm—which makes it harder for Japanese men to opt to marry women who would also find it hard to adapt to such values. It is the sad side of common sense.

This will surprise some of you but, the women who are not interested in marrying foreigners do it because they either find them scary or not as attractive as Japanese guys. I have met PLENTY of women that place foreign guys in the “cute” kawaii category and are with them not because of their looks, but mostly because of the characteristics I presented above. Some of my “more handsome” friends will get placed in the “cool” kakkoi category if they are lucky—but you will hardly hear a Japanese girl calling a foreigner ikemen, which is the terminology a foreign girl would use to describe someone like Brad Pitt. Most Japanese girls will only use this expression toward good-looking Japanese, or Asian, men—rarely to describe an occidental guy. Most foreign men in Japan think they are physically in advantage when fighting for mates here but, that’s a wrong assumption. Yeah, to the girls that want to go for the unusual and exotic, they will opt to date/marry foreigners…the majority still prefers otherwise which is why it is so hard at times to find a girl who is “balanced:” one who is not a gaijin hunter but at the same time is somewhat into foreigners. So actually, looks might be a turn off for J-girls when it comes to choosing foreigners as mates.

Finally, lack of stable job prospects for foreigners, language barriers, family intervention, religious and cultural differences, different social values are all involved in keeping most Japanese people from choosing a foreign partner. Consider yourself blessed if you are one of the few who is currently married to, or in the process of marrying, a Japanese national.

If you guys want to find out more about finding love in Japan, I strongly recommend following this guy’s YOUTUBE channel: https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCcIsxujzLRO5qY5f9buahCQ

Nobita is a Japanese guy making videos about love and dating in Japan. He has done some political pieces recently as well which some do not agree with—but regardless of your political inclining, his stuff on dating and marrying in Japan is legit.

Finding love in Japan is an adventure!

This post is imported from my Quora account and the original question and post (along with other answers to the same) can be found at https://www.quora.com/How-do-I-get-to-know-a-Japanese-girl-in-a-Japanese-university  

Thanks for your question and I really like the way you worded it. Meeting girls at a university should be a pretty easy job, no matter where the university is located at and the girl’s nationality (unless such university is located at a country where social divisions between the genders are the norm. Really “getting to know” Japanese girls can be a challenge and like Waldo Murphy mentioned above, speaking the language can really help smooth things out in the process of doing so. Most Japanese people can only express their emotions to a certain level in English (even the most fluent ones will have a hard time discussing issues that deal with deep psychological/sentimental topics—heck they cannot even do that in their native language at times so you can imagine how hard that would be to voice in a different language). So, to get to understand who they really are, I think your priority should be mastering the language fluently.

On a side note, I agree with Waldo Murphy that you can get a Japanese girl to start “dating” you without much language mastery—however, it will lead to many other problems in the relationship as it progresses from being “casual dating” into something more serious. Many times, the expats we meet here in Japan that has had major issues in marital relationship with Japanese girls were the ones who could not really express their ideas and emotions in Japanese properly—which leads to a lack of truly meaningful communication, causing, therefore, the relationship to dissolve into something shallower than real marriage is supposed to be like (and since great sex can only keep “the fire” in the relationship a life to certain extent), divorce follows…

If you are simply interested in “having fun” with Japanese girls, what Waldo suggested will get you there in no time. But if you want something more meaningful, here are some of my suggestions for developing a solid relationship with a Japanese partner.

First things first—why should you desire to marry a Japanese woman?

Being originally made in Brazil, and having some of the hottest roster of women on the planet at my disposal at my native country—one would usually presume that I would go for a Rio de Janeiro hottie, brazen by the sun and full of life and vigor to enjoy passionately, you know what, every day by her side, right? Well, recently Brazilian women suffer from the same issues facing many Western women have to deal with at the moment: by being raised in a culture that trained them to be only satisfied by the “Instagram princess” lifestyle, it has become impossible to really please them. Thus, relationship with these women tends to be something that is strongly based on one’s potential to “provide the extras” to these semi-insatiable demi-goddesses…which I, personally, didn’t feel like the returns to all such service were worth it. Don’t get me wrong, not all Brazilian women are like that—I know some who are simply phenomenal women who will do everything in their power to support and strengthen the men they have been given by destiny. Simply, in general terms, it is much harder to find these kinds of women in Brazil in comparison with the former types (due to the current cultural tide we are living in).

Compare that with Japan, and the contrast is quite startling: in my 11 + years of Japan, most of the women I met here are interested in joining a partnership with a man that can be a provider—but that they can assist in the “build-up” process as well. They will be very supportive when it comes to things pertaining to the home and will, willingly, take charge of modeling your home together into the most heartwarming place in the world. It really feels like “home sweet home” when you are happily married to a happy Japanese woman. Once again, we are looking at this in general terms…but the chances of finding a Japanese woman like that are far greater than finding a selfish, extremely entitled, “do everything I tell you” J-lady—interestingly enough, the women that are like that here in Japan tend to be the ones that know English very well and who have been “too exposed” to western cultures (thus why I emphasize knowing Japanese fluently and making that the language of the house).

I have met many expats who have been happily married for years with fantastic Japanese women that possess some of the positive qualities I described above. Finding them requires that first linguistic prerequisite—but once you cleared that out, all you need to do is the following:

1. University life and the hunt!

If you are coming to study in Japan for 4 years—chances are you are not looking for a “life-partner” after the first few weeks classes! You do want to make plenty of friends and find out about the potential you have in finding an ideal partner for you. Use the first couple of years in college to figure out your sexual market value—how attractive you are to Japanese girls—get that language mastery done right away—and learn about your own tastes when it comes to Japanese women: from their looks, to character—find out what you really want from a Japanese woman. Once you have these goals set, you will be able to filter out girls that would not really fit your criteria and save yourself from having a lot of hurt in the “hunting” process. My personal advice: casual dating can be a bit dangerous in Japan because girls tend to get VERY ATTACHED if they really like you and if you are really good at “taking care” of them. Breaking up can be a heartbreak filled with tears and possible hatred—the let’s be friends from now own does not necessarily happen all the time and, since most girls here do not take the pill, or make proper use of contraceptives, there is always the danger of having an unwanted child in the process. Dating is important but you should learn ways to keep your boundaries high as well to protect your own heart, and theirs, from most damage in the long run.

As for the “hunt” itself, you need to get into “connection circles” to start meeting them girls and learn more about them. If you know some Japanese, chances are you will be taking classes with Japanese students as well—then it is easy to meet and befriend them! Just be approachable, have great hygiene, smile and avoid creepy staring and so on—voile! You will be on your way to meet many great Japanese girls.

Joining a club-activity will help as well. “Yosakoi dance clubs, drama, and music related clubs, amongst other clubs relating to the performing arts are great places to meet tons of girls. Of course, the language based clubs (i.e.: international club, or English club, etc.) are also great places to meet them, but these places are usually filled with girls interested in using you as a “free English conversation living app” which is usually not a great way to start meeting someone.

Once you’ve met a few “persons of interest” within the larger group setting (as per Waldo’s advice) go ahead and invite them out for food, bowling, karaoke, Starbucks or whatever else fits your boat (though I would not recommend the movies because there is no chance to really talk to them to get to know them). Find a setting that allows you guys to talk a lot about each other and then ask the right questions: topics like interests, career plans, travel aspirations, short-term goals to accomplish at university and dreams about the future could be some potential topics to discuss during that first date. Talking about her family and finding out about her background could also help you find out if she would be a potential future investment once you are ready to settle down into that long-term relationship. Don’t forget to talk about the types of guys she likes and if she has had a foreign boyfriend before and, if she did, what she thought was difficult in that relationship. This will get most girls in Japan to know you are interested in them—however, you will need to do a big kokuhaku, which is a formal “declaration of love/interest” by telling her straight that you like her and want her to be your girlfriend. Then you might escort her back to her home and kiss on the way. If so, you are now officially “dating” congrats! If there is no kiss to seal the deal, do it asap or you will be bound to join the “friend” category.

2. With university about to finish—how about finding someone to be committed to?

Once you are well into your Junior year in college, you could now draw from the pool of connections you have made in the previous years to find a potential long-term partner. In college, you have a much larger pool to choose from—most people are out on the lookout for someone and have the time to invest in dating and hanging out. Once you graduate, if you are planning to stay/work in Japan after that, it can be really difficult to allocate all the time needed in getting to know someone, and most of the girls you meet give you a “meet once a month availability.” This makes it harder to find a solid partner that you might want to spend the rest of your life with. Thus, I recommend using your years in college to find that person.

3. Finally, having things in common help a lot!

As Waldo wisely mentioned above, there are many challenges in dating someone from a different culture. Many things that are common sense to you are not to them and this can easily generate turmoil in the relationship—even if both of you speak the same language! For that reason, it is important to find a core “common ground” between both of you. For instance, my wife and I are big anime fans. We will default to it when we feel like growing apart. We also enjoy travel—so doing that together keeps our bond stronger, even when we are fighting about menial things like the way I organize my clothes and stuff. Some people are of the same religion, or political orientation and so forth. So, having a strong common ground will definitely help you in your successful relationship with the Japanese girl of your dreams.

Different “hugging” concepts

(original content can be found at https://www.quora.com/Do-Japanese-girls-like-being-hugged)

That’s an interesting question. The short answer to that would be the common sense one: “YES” (just as any other human being would). But in reality, their level of hug-liking will have a certain degree of variety, which is much dependent on the ethnicity of the person giving the hug.

This is when culture plays a huge role in actually determining the thought process behind either enjoying, or not, being hugged.

A western girl (or person), for example, will enjoy receiving hugs from people of the same gender as themselves, or from a person of the opposite gender that makes them feel at ease when the hug is performed (i.e.: hug from a family member, from the guy/girl they like/think is charming, from a celebrity/person of influence they follow, etc.)

In Japan, however, a myriad of different factors take place when it comes to actually performing and receiving a hug—these are ethnically and culturally based factors that have their core within a Japanese cultural context.

Two major “hugging” factors

Let’s focus on just 2 factors here so that this answer is to the point.

For instance, Japanese girls will avoid hugging other Japanese people who do not have a personal/somewhat intimate connection with them (i.e.: people who are not part of their inner friendship circle). When I asked the Japanese girls I know about it, the reasons they gave for that were several: “we don’t really like hugging in Japan,” or “we should never hug at work, that would be strange,” and even “in Japan, greeting by bowing is still usually the social norm accepted, others ways, like handshaking and hugging, are kind of American.” All of these opinions are reasonable and logically follow the cultural pattern of the Japanese mindset. It gets tricky though when, all of sudden, just because you are a non-Japanese person, all the girls seem to want to hug you, no matter your gender or background.

I asked the same girls above the following question, “if it’s so hard to hug other Japanese people, why is it that you try to hug me, or other foreign friends of mine, from time to time. Their answer came almost in unison: “that’s because you are not Japanese!” I further joked with them saying that they were being racist by hugging me and my friends just based on ethnicity but, while maintaining the positive mood in the conversation, they retorted “well, we know that by hugging you or other foreigners you won’t judge us, nor think we are weird…so we know we can freely hug you…”

(my friends I will usually hug once enough beers have been consumed, independent of your ethnicity…)

So, in summary, without any evil intent, and without any discriminatory influence, Japanese girls will totally choose the people they hug based on the 2 factors I described above:

1. you are made in Japan (then they avoid hugging you to avoid “misunderstandings”)

2. you are not made in Japan (then they feel empowered to hug you thinking that you won’t misinterpret their hugs as someone made in JP possibly would)

These 2 will define the level of enjoyment Japanese girls will get from your hugs.

As I mentioned above, there are more factors behind this, though. Even something as simple as a hug cannot be defined in these “black & white” terms I presented alone. For now, use these as a guide and try to relax while handling these public displays of affection while in Japan.